Ekiti Declares N1 Million As Permanent Cure For Truth-Telling, Doctors Baffled

By Emmanuel Adeniran 

In a groundbreaking medical and political breakthrough in Ekiti State, it has been officially confirmed that a sum of N1 million given in 2022 has the supernatural power to cure a journalist of truth-telling forever.

According to highly placed sources in the Ministry of Blackmail and Strategic Silencing, the N1m gift from Governor Oyebanji — which this ungrateful patient duly acknowledged and even wrote a thank-you letter for through Mr. Yinka Oyebode — was not a humanitarian gesture. It was a lifetime subscription to silence.

The terms and conditions, which were apparently written in invisible ink, read: “Collect this once, and never report anything that makes Government uncomfortable again. Valid till eternity.”

But the patient, Emmanuel Adeniran of Treasure Newspaper, has refused to read the terms.

He continues to commit the heinous crime of “Speaking Truth To Power” — an offense some now treat as a capital sin.

In retaliation, the Association of Professional Blackmailers, Ekiti Chapter, has activated its most potent weapon: “Remember that N1m?”

Every time Treasure Newspaper reports a pothole, they shout “N1m!”

Every time it reports delayed salaries, they shout “N1m!”

Every time it breathes, “N1m!”

Doctors at some medical facilities in the State are said to be studying the case. They have never seen a single paracetamol cure headache for three years, but N1m cures truth-telling permanently. They are considering adding it to the essential drugs list.

A high-ranking aide, now also overseeing safety matters and personnel coordination, has reportedly promised to add firm correction and persistent follow-up to the package, all to ensure that appreciation is duly encouraged.

Meanwhile, a new curriculum has been proposed for journalism schools in Ekiti: Course 101 – How To Convert Medical Bill To Mortgage On Your Conscience.

Students will be taught that when government pays your hospital bill, you must in return donate your pen, your keyboard, and your sense of smell for bad governance.

There are also whispers in the newsroom that only “authentic” Ekiti indigenes should be allowed to speak, while those described as “foreign citizens on secondment to Ekiti journalism” should be allowed to collect brown envelopes in peace.

The Ministry has also clarified the new exchange rate: In 2022, N1m = $2000. In 2025 parody economy, N1m = Your entire career, your right to ask questions, plus interest till 2099.

Some aides have even suggested erecting a statue at Fajuyi Park titled “The Ungrateful Journalist Who Took Money And Still Remembered How To Write.”

Emmanuel Adeniran, however, insists that his own understanding of the transaction was rather primitive: Governor gave money for medical bills. He got better. He said thank you.

He did not know that in the new economy, N1m in 2022 is equal to your conscience, your pen, and your right to ask questions till 2099.

He has therefore issued a public apology for misunderstanding the exchange rate.

Moral of the story: Next time you are sick in Ekiti, please remain sick. Good health sponsored by Government can be very injurious to press freedom.

And if you must get well, please apply for permission to remain well.